Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It's like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.

If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.

Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80's.

Guys should not be allowed to use the Internet all day long. So sad.

Doing TV is great, but TV is for starring on, not for watching.

Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?