You ask my advice about acting? Speak clearly, don't bump into the furniture and if you must have motivation, think of your pay packet on Friday.

Of course, the age-old tradition that a star must appear even if he or she is practically dying is an excellent one, but it can be carried too far. I one played a performance of The Knight of the Burning Pestle with a temperature of 103 and gave sixteen members of the company mumps, thereby closing the play and throwing everybody out of work. There may be a moral lurking somewhere in this, but I cannot for the life of me discover what it is.

There's always something fishy about the French.

The higher the building the lower the morals.

But why, oh why, do the wrong people travel, when the right people stay at home?

We have no reliable guarantee that the afterlife will be any less exasperating than this one, have we?

A perfect martini should be made by filling a glass with gin then waving it in the general direction of Italy.