Acting is not a state of being ... but a state of appearing to be.

I don't think pornography is harmful, but it is terribly, terribly boring.

How was your flight? Well, aeronautically it was a great success. Socially, it left quite a bit to be desired.

An infant prodigy of nine is shoved upon the stage in white. She starts off in a dismal whine about a dark and stormy night, a burglar, whose heart is true, despite his wicked-looking face, who puts the little child in doom, to save her mamma's jewel case. This may bring tears to every eye; it does not set my heart on fire. I'd like to stand serenely by and watch that horrid child expire.

People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it.

Never trust a man with short legs. His brains are too near his bottom.

I want a horse and plough, Chickens too, Just one cow, With a wistful moo.