My nan used to look after me in the summer holidays and she had a cat with one eye. It used to walk into walls and tables. I used to think it was hilarious. It was a slapstick cat.

When you're quite young, your imagination's quite free.

There's something amazing about tea. It's good before a meal, after a meal, when drunk, when taking drugs, while playing football and after being called a poof in the street.

When I was 13 I told my dad I'd rather kill myself than do an ordinary job. He vaguely muttered something about how I'd need to earn a living somehow, but he's been totally behind me, forking out money he didn't really have to send me to university. Every other comedian I've met had to fight their parents to be allowed to do this but mine have been brilliant.

I'd like to punch out a really old lady. There'd be no repercussions.

Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.

Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.