It's a very odd thing with Hollywood, where you do stand-up, you're good at it, then they go, "How would you like to be a horrible actor?" Then you say, "All right, that sounds good. I'll do that."

The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.

I don't know anything about politics. Like, zero. Nothing.

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.

Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.

I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.

A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others.