When I started in Canada, I just did stand-up.

With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.

The character of giving advice often makes us accountable for the conduct of those we advise.

The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.

I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.

This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every 7.3 seconds. Now, I know what I think every 7.3 seconds. It's just a bunch of meaningless gibberish.

The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.