The vanity of being asked advice often makes us confirm the opinion of those that consult us.

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every 7.3 seconds. Now, I know what I think every 7.3 seconds. It's just a bunch of meaningless gibberish.

In love, first please the eye, then win the heart.

If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy.

There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.

I've been in theaters. Like Brian Regan, who I love - loved him so much more when he did the Improvs. And then in a big theater - nobody's that good.