I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television. I don't know what it does, it just sucks it away.

The character of giving advice often makes us accountable for the conduct of those we advise.

If it wasn't so pointless and ridiculous, it would be more humiliating. Also, if there [Hollywood] weren't so many people as bad as myself - equally untalented people - it would be even more humiliating.

The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.

There hasn't been an original voice in stand-up since Sam Kinison.

They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?

If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious.