There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.

I hate fame. I hate being recognized, because I don't know how to talk to people.

I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.

Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.

I'm not original, but I strive toward it as much as possible. I tried really hard on Weekend Update to do something that I considered original, which was, I tried to cut all cleverness out of the joke.