I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, what are you, zero? And I'd go, no, I'm one over here!

A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others.

In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up.

Compared to politics, I think sports is funnier, because it's inconsequential. And politics can be real important and all that. The more pointless something is, the funnier it is, you know? And the more grave or important things are... You know, some comedians can get this disease where they get serious all the time.

I hate fame. I hate being recognized, because I don't know how to talk to people.