If you watch that show and you didn't know it was called Seinfeld, you'd think it was called 'The George Costanza Show'.

I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, what are you, zero? And I'd go, no, I'm one over here!

RIP Amy Winehouse. We lost a true heroin addict today.

Stand-up has the best writers, because it's the hardest writing by a million miles.

Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.

As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.