Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.

They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?

The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he's happy to continue to do what he's been doing for the past twenty-five years: cheating death.

RIP Amy Winehouse. We lost a true heroin addict today.

I don't know anything about politics. Like, zero. Nothing.

If you watch that show and you didn't know it was called Seinfeld, you'd think it was called 'The George Costanza Show'.

I had a show that people thought used a laugh track. It wasn't; it was the real audience going crazy after everything that resembled a joke, that they could technically call a joke.