There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.

The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.

When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.

If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.

[Televised stand-up] never really makes me laugh. The only one I ever saw that I liked was Richard Pryor, and that was [shot on] film.

I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that.

You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh?