I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.

Some men mistake generosity for charity: these flatter themselves that they are giving gratuitously, whilst they are merely rewarding secret services offered their vanity.

I generally have a real strong idea or a strong punchline, and I just try to get to it by rambling around, as I don't like to memorize words.

Laws, however divine in origin and institution, would be found of little coercion among men, were the administration of them not committed to mortals.