I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.

I love writing - it's the best. But I really hate collaboration.

I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you're all right. I don't have to go to premières.

Most men will go farther to give advice than to follow their own opinion.

None seem to bear the imputation of supposed guilt with greater intolerance than such as are, on other occasions, obviously culpable of vice or crime.

The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.