I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

If you cannot patiently bear correction, endeavor to avoid fault.

I've shown people Richard Pryor who've never seen him, and most of them don't like him.

When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.

All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.

We would seldom be deceived by flattery, did our own conceit not promote the delusion.

If you watch that show and you didn't know it was called Seinfeld, you'd think it was called 'The George Costanza Show'.