I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.

[sam] Kinison, when he started out, he'd come to Canada when I was first starting, and he'd always [bomb].

It's a very odd thing with Hollywood, where you do stand-up, you're good at it, then they go, "How would you like to be a horrible actor?" Then you say, "All right, that sounds good. I'll do that."

There is a very prevalent tenet with youth, that good company is every thing desirable, and that bad is even better than none.

All kinds of violence on the TV. You're not supposed to watch violence on the TV. Children, they can't watch it 'cause they're afraid maybe the kids will copy something they see on the TV. I can't even get a funny cartoon anymore because some 12-year-old somewhere watched a particularly violent episode of the Road Runner-Coyote show, and the next day, they found him at the bottom of a canyon, two giant springs strapped to his feet.

I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time.