I can't be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I'll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.

Most men will go farther to give advice than to follow their own opinion.

Our passions may be compared to certain slaves--the more severity we show them, the better they obey us.

I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.

[sam] Kinison, when he started out, he'd come to Canada when I was first starting, and he'd always [bomb].

The promises we break are usually such as we are most forward in making.

The soul is never perfectly secure from the influence of passion; the occasional tranquility she seems to enjoy, is rather relaxation than imperturbable triumph.