You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl.

Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.

You ever hear guys with small cocks talk about sex? Can't talk about it enough. They even got poems. They'll say, 'It's not the motion of the ocean, it's the boat of the lotion.' I've even heard variants..., it's not the tree or the size, it's the axe that you wax.' It's a whole sub-genre of poetry now that's taught in many of our finer institutions.

I don't have to meet actors. I'm really blessed that I don't have to do all that horseshit.

We are often less grieved at disappointments than at ourselves for having said much concerning the certainty of our expectations.

I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.