You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

We are often less grieved at disappointments than at ourselves for having said much concerning the certainty of our expectations.

As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.

Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up.

There's no show business in Canada, so everybody just did stand-up and we all thought, "Oh, we'll just keep doing stand-up." And then I'm like, "There's more work in the States."

I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.