In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.

If it wasn't so pointless and ridiculous, it would be more humiliating. Also, if there [Hollywood] weren't so many people as bad as myself - equally untalented people - it would be even more humiliating.

I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.

Most men appear wiser in their doubts than in their belief.

Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.

If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious.

A capacity for hating the object of desire is, perhaps, the best cure for love in cases of disappointment.