I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.

When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.

I don't have to meet actors. I'm really blessed that I don't have to do all that horseshit.

None seem to bear the imputation of supposed guilt with greater intolerance than such as are, on other occasions, obviously culpable of vice or crime.

A man's enemies are those he should endeavor first to make his friends.

Never raise expectations in others that you cannot realize: promise is less pleasing than disappointment is vexatious.

A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.