Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.

We would seldom be deceived by flattery, did our own conceit not promote the delusion.

[Televised stand-up] never really makes me laugh. The only one I ever saw that I liked was Richard Pryor, and that was [shot on] film.

Love is an artful arrangement of artless pretensions, whereby we labor to appear innocent in what we desire to be most cunning.

I've been offered political shows before, and I don't know anything about politics and I feel uncomfortable making political opinions - there's consequences to them. I often think I'm wrong, so I really don't like getting in political or religious discussions because of the giant possibility that I might be wrong.

A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others.

When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.