If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.

I've shown people Richard Pryor who've never seen him, and most of them don't like him.

Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship.

Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.

None seem to bear the imputation of supposed guilt with greater intolerance than such as are, on other occasions, obviously culpable of vice or crime.

Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing!

Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday Jesus! Hope you like crap!