If you cannot patiently bear correction, endeavor to avoid fault.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

I don't have any ego about it, but I find there's not a great work ethic in show business. A lot of people are in it to make money, and coming from stand-up, you have to work so hard because almost nothing works, and if you lose the audience for three minutes, you're dead.

Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.

Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.

In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.

Louis [C.K.] is great. But I don't know how many you could do.