Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.

I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time.

Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up.

The man that does not fear punishment, little regards crime.

All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.

Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.

It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.