Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.

The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.

All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.

Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.

Laws, however divine in origin and institution, would be found of little coercion among men, were the administration of them not committed to mortals.

In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That's what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn't have a stupid opinion about it.

You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh?