On Update, the only real original thing was trying to take away the cleverness of the punchline and make it as blunt as possible.

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.

He that searches for praise will often find contempt.

In terms of merit, sports has mathematical statistics. That's how you know who the best player is.

Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing!

None seem to bear the imputation of supposed guilt with greater intolerance than such as are, on other occasions, obviously culpable of vice or crime.

RIP Amy Winehouse. We lost a true heroin addict today.