Few criminals die sensible of their crimes.

Were there no fools, there would be no flatterers.

I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you're all right. I don't have to go to premières.

The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.

The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.

Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.

On Update, the only real original thing was trying to take away the cleverness of the punchline and make it as blunt as possible.