Few criminals die sensible of their crimes.

All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.

Actually, with those dirty movies, I find like, they're good for about fifteen, twenty minutes. I'm really interested. And, then, uh, there's one point, that all of a sudden I'm bored. You know? I just lose interest completely and I feel deeply ashamed.

I can't be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I'll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.

I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time.

I don't have to meet actors. I'm really blessed that I don't have to do all that horseshit.

Women of no beauty may yet be flattered to believe they possess some; others of a moderate share that they have a great deal; but those of elegance and charm generally know the perfection of their external graces so well, that they seem to covet that flattery most which heightens the opinion of their wit and judgment.