The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.

As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.

Most men will go farther to give advice than to follow their own opinion.

If you watch that show and you didn't know it was called Seinfeld, you'd think it was called 'The George Costanza Show'.

A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others.

Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.