The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious.

Stand-up has the best writers, because it's the hardest writing by a million miles.

We are often less grieved at disappointments than at ourselves for having said much concerning the certainty of our expectations.

I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

It is easier to hate those we love, than love those whom we have hated.