Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.
Stand-up has the best writers, because it's the hardest writing by a million miles.
During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.
Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship.
Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.
Louis [C.K.] is great. But I don't know how many you could do.