Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog... The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.

Laws, however divine in origin and institution, would be found of little coercion among men, were the administration of them not committed to mortals.

It is the folly of weak-minded people, to imagine they are what flattery or conceit represents them; and that it is useless for them to be what they are not, since they seem already to have acquired the reputation of it.

The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.

When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.

You can't love your team without hating another team.

I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.