It is better to be idle than employed in ill.

The man that does not fear punishment, little regards crime.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog... The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.

If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy.

Most men will go farther to give advice than to follow their own opinion.

Louis [C.K.] is great. But I don't know how many you could do.