In giving advice, aptitude is often less to be considered, than seasonableness.

This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every 7.3 seconds. Now, I know what I think every 7.3 seconds. It's just a bunch of meaningless gibberish.

It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.

They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?

When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.

You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh?

A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others.