I completely understand why a businessman would fire me from 'Saturday Night Live'. Because he was seeing Jay Leno kill 10 minutes a night, doing his monologue with wall-to-wall laughs and applause, then I do 10 minutes a week to, sometimes, breathtaking silence. He's just listening for the laughs.

Generally I don't like traveling around saying the exact same thing. I don't think that's a very good thing to do with your life.

Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.

Few criminals die sensible of their crimes.

Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.