I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.

The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.

I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.

Some men mistake generosity for charity: these flatter themselves that they are giving gratuitously, whilst they are merely rewarding secret services offered their vanity.

If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.

I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.