I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

Pulp Fiction is a, uh, gritty, urban satire. Pump Friction is a uh-uh, a bunch of uh, dudes and ladies having dirty sex.

Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.

In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.

The character of giving advice often makes us accountable for the conduct of those we advise.

Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up.

I'm not original, but I strive toward it as much as possible. I tried really hard on Weekend Update to do something that I considered original, which was, I tried to cut all cleverness out of the joke.