Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up.

When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.

In love, first please the eye, then win the heart.

I never do impressions, but I probably should. People like that stuff.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

Love is an artful arrangement of artless pretensions, whereby we labor to appear innocent in what we desire to be most cunning.

It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.