Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up.

Generally I don't like traveling around saying the exact same thing. I don't think that's a very good thing to do with your life.

Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.

You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh?

Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.

Jealousy seldom punishes with the severity it suffers.

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.