Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up.

Jealousy seldom punishes with the severity it suffers.

You can't love your team without hating another team.

There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.

If you watch that show and you didn't know it was called Seinfeld, you'd think it was called 'The George Costanza Show'.

Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.

I love writing - it's the best. But I really hate collaboration.