The character of giving advice often makes us accountable for the conduct of those we advise.

Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship.

I completely understand why a businessman would fire me from 'Saturday Night Live'. Because he was seeing Jay Leno kill 10 minutes a night, doing his monologue with wall-to-wall laughs and applause, then I do 10 minutes a week to, sometimes, breathtaking silence. He's just listening for the laughs.

If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy.

I tried to make the punchline as close to the setup as I could. And I thought that was the perfect thing. If I could make the setup and the punchline identical to each other, I would create a different kind of joke.

Actually, with those dirty movies, I find like, they're good for about fifteen, twenty minutes. I'm really interested. And, then, uh, there's one point, that all of a sudden I'm bored. You know? I just lose interest completely and I feel deeply ashamed.

There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.