There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.

I've always been very averse to innuendo, especially sexual. I find it cowardly or something.

I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.

Never raise expectations in others that you cannot realize: promise is less pleasing than disappointment is vexatious.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

Most men will go farther to give advice than to follow their own opinion.

I've been offered political shows before, and I don't know anything about politics and I feel uncomfortable making political opinions - there's consequences to them. I often think I'm wrong, so I really don't like getting in political or religious discussions because of the giant possibility that I might be wrong.