I have always loved Las Vegas. It's a traditional place for lounge comics to perform, and I love that.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

On Update, the only real original thing was trying to take away the cleverness of the punchline and make it as blunt as possible.

In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That's what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn't have a stupid opinion about it.

Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.

There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.

Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.