This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every 7.3 seconds. Now, I know what I think every 7.3 seconds. It's just a bunch of meaningless gibberish.

If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.

I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.

Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing!

There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.

They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.