There is a very prevalent tenet with youth, that good company is every thing desirable, and that bad is even better than none.

It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.

The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.

A capacity for hating the object of desire is, perhaps, the best cure for love in cases of disappointment.

You ever hear guys with small cocks talk about sex? Can't talk about it enough. They even got poems. They'll say, 'It's not the motion of the ocean, it's the boat of the lotion.' I've even heard variants..., it's not the tree or the size, it's the axe that you wax.' It's a whole sub-genre of poetry now that's taught in many of our finer institutions.

I completely understand why a businessman would fire me from 'Saturday Night Live'. Because he was seeing Jay Leno kill 10 minutes a night, doing his monologue with wall-to-wall laughs and applause, then I do 10 minutes a week to, sometimes, breathtaking silence. He's just listening for the laughs.

Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.