My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.

A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

I love writing - it's the best. But I really hate collaboration.

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

You ever hear guys with small cocks talk about sex? Can't talk about it enough. They even got poems. They'll say, 'It's not the motion of the ocean, it's the boat of the lotion.' I've even heard variants..., it's not the tree or the size, it's the axe that you wax.' It's a whole sub-genre of poetry now that's taught in many of our finer institutions.