My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.

Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing!

Richard Pryor is my favorite stand-up ever.

If you cannot patiently bear correction, endeavor to avoid fault.

I've been in theaters. Like Brian Regan, who I love - loved him so much more when he did the Improvs. And then in a big theater - nobody's that good.

The only two TV shows I saw do that, where they don't warm them up and you can really bomb, was Saturday Night Live - and that's why it gets a lot of heat, too. Obviously it gets criticism fairly, too. But a lot of it is because Lorne [Michaels] lets the audience decide and doesn't force them to laugh.

In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.