I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time.

Love is an artful arrangement of artless pretensions, whereby we labor to appear innocent in what we desire to be most cunning.

If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy.

Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.

Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.

They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it.

Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.