I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.

It's a very odd thing with Hollywood, where you do stand-up, you're good at it, then they go, "How would you like to be a horrible actor?" Then you say, "All right, that sounds good. I'll do that."

I don't have to meet actors. I'm really blessed that I don't have to do all that horseshit.

I've been offered political shows before, and I don't know anything about politics and I feel uncomfortable making political opinions - there's consequences to them. I often think I'm wrong, so I really don't like getting in political or religious discussions because of the giant possibility that I might be wrong.

Richard Pryor is my favorite stand-up ever.

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.

When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.