It is easier to hate those we love, than love those whom we have hated.

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.

[Televised stand-up] never really makes me laugh. The only one I ever saw that I liked was Richard Pryor, and that was [shot on] film.

Louis [C.K.] is great. But I don't know how many you could do.

Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing!

Were there no fools, there would be no flatterers.

The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.