I'm happy doing stand-up, but I'll probably do a television show eventually. If not, I'll delve into this Internet world and decide best how to harness it. What I like best about it is the independent movie style and the ability to just be completely reckless within that world. I like that a lot. I just have to acquaint myself with technology.

All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.

I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.' I don't own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I'd have to buy something to protect it then.

Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.

I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.