Sleep is perverse as human nature, Sleep is perverse as legislature.... So people who go to bed to sleep Must count French premiers or sheep, And people who ought to arise from bed Yawn and go back to sleep instead.

When I ponder my mind I consistently find It is glued On food.

There has been a lot of progress during my lifetime, but I'm afraid it's heading in the wrong direction.

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

The noblest lord is ushered in By the practicing physician, And the humblest lout is ushered out By a certified mortician. And in between, they find their foyers Alive with summonses from lawyers.

Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, But Hating, my boy, is an Art.