Ogden Nash Quotes

Bankers are just like everybody else, except richer.

I believe that people believe what they believe they believe.

God in His wisdom made the fly And then forgot to tell us why.

And one of his partners asked Has he vertigo? and the other glanced out and down and said Oh no, only about ten feet more.

All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

I don't mind their having a lot of money, and I don't care how they employ it, but I do think that they damn well ought to admit they enjoy it.

Authors of all races, be they Greeks, Romans, Teutons, or Celts, Can't seem just to say anything is the thing it is but have to go out of their way to say that it is like something else.

I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.

If you are really Master of your Fate, it shouldn't make any difference to you whether Cleopatra or the Bearded Lady is your mate.

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.

The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.

Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs.

You are much happier when you are happy than when you ain't.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

I'm like a backward berry, Unripened on the vine, For all my friends are fifty, And I'm only forty-nine.

Sleep is perverse as human nature, Sleep is perverse as legislature.... So people who go to bed to sleep Must count French premiers or sheep, And people who ought to arise from bed Yawn and go back to sleep instead.

I was born a jackdaw; why should I try to be an owl?

Marriage is the only known example of the happy meeting of the immovable object and the irresistible force.

When I ponder my mind I consistently find It is glued On food.

I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.

The only incurable troubles of the rich are the troubles that money can't cure, Which is a kind of trouble that is even more troublesome if you are poor.

To love is an active verb.

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

How confusing the beams from memory's lamp are; One day a bachelor, the next a grampa. What is the secret of the trick? How did I get so old so quick?

Humor is the best means of surviving in a difficult world.

The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks Which practically conceal its sex I think it clever of the turtle In such a fix to be so fertile.

Miranda in Miranda's sight is old, gray and dirty; Twenty-nine she was last night; This morning she is thirty.

The noblest lord is ushered in By the practicing physician, And the humblest lout is ushered out By a certified mortician. And in between, they find their foyers Alive with summonses from lawyers.

My garden will never make me famous, I'm a horticultural ignoramus.

Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you.

Humor is hope's companion in arms. It is not brash, it is not cheap, it is not heartless. Among other things I think humor is a shield, a weapon, a survival kit.

How Sunday into Monday melts!

I have an idea that the phrase weaker sex was coined by some woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm.

Some hate broccoli, some hate bacon I hate having my picture taken. How can your family claim to love you And then demand a picture of you?

Dogs display reluctance and wrath If you try to give them a bath. They bury bones in hideaways And half the time they trot sideaways.

Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.

But all ladies think they weigh too much.

When you're wrong admit it, when you're right, shut up.

A dressing is not a compote A dressing is not a custard It consists of pepper and salt, Vinegar, oil and mustard.

Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is.

Here lies my past, Goodbye I have kissed it; Thank you kids, I wouldn't have missed it.

But children, hark! Your mother would rather, When you arrived, have been your father.

Smallpox is natural; vaccine ain't.

Beneath this slab John Brown is stowed. He watched the ads, And not the road.

A bit of talcum Is always walcum.

There has been a lot of progress during my lifetime, but I'm afraid it's heading in the wrong direction.

If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.