Here is a pen and here is a pencil, here's a typewriter, here's a stencil, here's a list of today's appointments, and all the flies in all the ointments, the daily woes that a man endures -- take them, George, they're yours!

So Columbus said, somebody show me the sunset and somebody did and he set sail for it, And he discovered America and they put him in jail for it, And the fetters gave him welts, And they named America after somebody else.

A lady wants to be dressed exactly like everybody else but she gets pretty up- set if she sees anybody else dressed exactly like her.

How easy for those who do not bulge to not overindulge!

Marriage is the only known example of the happy meeting of the immovable object and the irresistible force.

The dog is man's best friend. He has a tail on one end. Up in front he has teeth. And four legs underneath.

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.