The motorcycle is a device created by the team of God and Darwin to rid the world of useless young males.

I have a 10 year old at home, and she is always saying, 'That's not fair.' When she says that, I say, "Honey, you're cute; that's not fair. Your family is pretty well off; that's not fair. You were born in America; that's not fair. Honey, you had better pray to God that things don't start getting fair for you.

I'm old enough to remember when the air over American cities was a lot dirtier than it is now.

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.

That doesn't mean that you should just sit back and just let accidents happen to you. No, you have to go out and cause them yourself. That way you're in control of the situation.

Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then they get elected and prove it.

A good bachelor drinks his dessert (and sometimes the rest of his meals). A sweet tooth is a danger signal that you're getting too much exercise and not enough cocktails.