The very existence of the bicycle is an offense to reason and wisdom.

I was managing editor for a while [in National Lampoon ], and it does cause business problems when your circulation goes up.

How much fame, money and power does a woman have to achieve on her own before you can punch her in the face?

In the Third World, honk your horn only under the following circumstances: 1. When anything blocks the road. 2. When anything doesn't. 3. When anything might. 4. At red lights. 5. At green lights. 6. At all other times.

Any person who has spent time outdoors actually doing something, such as hunting and fishing as opposed to standing there with a doobie in his mouth, knows nature is not intrinsically healthy.

Never do anything to a clitoris with your teeth that you wouldn't do to an expensive waterproof wristwatch.

I do have to travel a lot for speaking engagements.