You can't get something for nothing. Everybody remembers this except politicians.

It is easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite pet. People like pets to possess the same qualities they do. Cats are irresponsible and recognize no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs. Cats cannot be made to do anything useful. Cats are mean for the fun of it. In fact, cats possess so many of the same qualities as people that it is often hard to tell the people and the cats apart.

Never do anything to a clitoris with your teeth that you wouldn't do to an expensive waterproof wristwatch.

I'll be 56 this year, I've got two kids, and I think it's probably time to go back to writing one-glove jokes.

Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas about where to have dinner. They are, literally, selfless. A world designed for automobiles instead of people would have wider streets, larger dining rooms, fewer stairs to climb and no smelly, dangerous subway stations.

If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography.

I went back to bumming around New York, writing freelance stuff for Car & Driver and such.