In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.

Any random group of thirty Vietnamese women will contain a dozen who make Julia Roberts look like Lyle Lovett.

Whatever the occasion, do not neglect alcohol. No other refreshment will do. Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it's very selective. It only kills the brain cells that contain good sense, shame, embarrassment, and restraint.

I'll pick "I'm kidding" anytime over "I'm lying."

People will tell you anything but what they do is always the truth.

Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen.

In case we have to shoot Democrats. It happened during the Civil War, and it could happen again.