Veal is a very young beef and, like a very young girlfriend, it's cute but boring and expensive.

America is the world's policeman, all right -- a big, dumb, mick flatfoot in the middle of the one thing cops dread most, a "domestic disturbance.

In the end we beat them with Levi's 501 jeans. Seventy-two years of communist indoctrination and propaganda was drowned out by a three-ounce Sony Walkman. A huge totalitarian system...has been brought to its knees because nobody wants to wear Bulgarian shoes. Now they're lunch, and we're number one on the planet.

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.

As a result of that, and as a result of friendship, I don't think we've ever been competitive. I mean, there's probably a very good reason Hunter [S. Thompson] isn't jealous of me.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

Whenever people tell you they are going to wipe the slate clean, it's your slate they mean to wipe.